Notes on severing my baby

In French it's called severage which seems so much more brutal than the English weaning.

I haven't mentioned nursing Max at all which is funny since it has been such a large part of my past year. But it was so natural and so easy with my second babythat there was nothing to write about (unless someone wanted to know how much I was pumping a day or what kind of pump I use). I loved nursing Suzanne and was so happy to be able to do it for a year. But when I weaned her, I was ever so happy to hang up my breast shields and return the pump to the pharmacy (you can rent breast pumps at the pharmacy. In my case, it was covered 100% by my complementary health insurance). With Suzanne, I was so concerned about not having enough milk that I pumped an extra bottle every day (150-175 ml/6 ounces extra a day!). In the end, it was a good thing because I was able to donate the extra milk to the lactarium. With Max, I decided to take every day as it came...and a year has come and gone.

With Max, it was just...easy. I was so much more relaxed, having done it before, that I defined my goal of 6 months and then would see if I felt up to pumping once I was back at work. But once I got back to work, I wasn't ready to stop. So every week, I said "we'll see." And my little boy will be a year in just over 2 weeks.

This time around, weaning is much harder. I didn't donate milk because Max ate everything I managed to produce - even my extra milk- and even more on some days (frozen milk).

Maybe it's because he's my last baby (most likely), maybe it's because weaning means severing the baby from the mom in certain terms, maybe it's because I spent 6 months at home with him and only 3 months with Suzanne but I feel sadder than last time. By the end of the week, Max will be severed from me for good and I will be able to reclaim my early morning runs and my normal clothes. But I'm sad that my little boy will almost literally be crawling off my lap and will never come back a baby.

For any other nursing mothers in Lille, I recommend the following for any advice:

• lactarium at Jeanne de Flandres - they are in desperate need of breast milk for sick and premature babies. If you are going to pump, you might as well pump a little extra!

• Solidarilait - they give practical and realistic advice from experienced moms.
• Unless you are a diehard, don't bother with La Leche League. They tend to be a bit extreme...
  

Last time and new beginnings

About nursing, I'm so glad I was able to do it for a year and share this with my daughter. It is an amazing experience where a woman learns a lot about herself, her body, and her animal instincts. It builds confidence in yourself and creates a new relationship with your body.

And just like that, it's over...

Rather than focusing on the last nursing - worse than me than for her since I cried and she just seemed to want to watch the cats - here's what was going on last year right about now:

the good news is that the accupuncturist said the baby had significantly dropped, even since last week. she also stuck hot needles in my toes to help induce labor! needless to say, it hurt like hell.

Now off to prepare the birthday cake for tomorrow's birthday shindig. Hope the weather holds out so we can have it in the park as planned.

savouring the last moments

I swear this blog will only be nursing related for another couple days then I'll bitch about the French somemore.

I'm trying to savour the last few moments of nursing Suzanne. This morning was the second to last time. When I take Suzanne in my arms, she reaches up and puts her hands to my mouth. She never did learn to grab my breast herself (since they were too heavy at first) she opens her mouth like a little bird and waits for me to shove it in her mouth. Then she taps my chest with one hand as she pinches my back fat with the other. As she gets into eating, she begins tapping her own head. Then she pulls her hair. Once in a while she comes up for air, looks at me, looks at her bookshelf, then goes back to more hair pulling.

It doesn't seem like much, in fact, it's totally animal (Jérôme calls me his favorite mammal) but these are really speciall moments that I don't want to forget....but I know I will.

And then there was one...

...feeding left. I have mixed feelings about the end of nursing. I feel like I should break down and cry, but feel kind of numb right now. Don't know. I guess I'm also relieved in some ways. Then again, breastfeeding is so uncomplicated. You don't need to worry if she's had her 16-24 ounces of milk or not...by the way, she isn't taking much milk from a cup.

I thought about it a lot and although I'm not ready, it's time. Does that make sense?
Suzanne started crawling today, just another sign that my little baby is growing up quickly. She's not even one yet, but I'm already imagining her moving away from me (to a different country like her mother did?), becoming independent and losing this special bond we've had this past year.

I love my little girl so very much...

Happy mother's day to all you American mothers. French mother's day isn't for another few weeks so I haven't celebrated yet.

Semi-weaned and totally confused

When I picked up Suzanne from the nanny's yesterday,she told me that all went well until snack time. Suzanne was inconsolable. The nanny offered her more rice cake (my daughter is sugarfree) but she kept crying but wasn't hungry. The nanny thinks she wanted a bottle. So when we got home, we cuddled in bed with her "doggie" and some books. At dinner, I gave her a little cup with defrosted breastmilk in it (I have a frozen supply to use up). she gulped and gulped and then...burst into tears. She looked at me and said in one little look with a huge sob that she understood what was going on. At bed time, I nursed Suzanne.

The original plan was for last night to be her last evening nursing and then by the middle of next week, the morning nursing owuld be phased out. My good friend Bryony told me that it was probably worse for me than for Suzanne. I agree with that. But when I spoke to my mother she said, "Well, it seems she's telling you she's not ready."

So now I'm totally confused and wondering if maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't be totally weaning her yet. And maybe there is a way for us to continue a little longer, even though I'll be in Ireland for a couple days. Maybe she can have a bottle in the morning and night for 3 days while I'm gone. And when I get back, we can gradually finish the weaning.

Is there anyone out there in the blogosphere who can give me some advice? Please?!

Last year on this date :
I'm due the 23rd.But tonight's a full moon so maybe she'll come tonight (despite the fact that my cervix has not moved at all!) I know that if the baby hasn't come yet, then it's cause she's not ready to come. But I really really don't want them to induce!
She hasn't even dropped yet! but I do have less acid reflux that must be a sign of something. What the hell is she doing in there? I want her out! and now the midwife said that she'll be at least 3.5 kilos. And she stressed at least.

Weaning Part III : and then there were two...

Yesterday was the first day since September that I didn't pump my milk at work. Farewell Medela Lactina Plus double pump.

Even the days I had to go to Brussels for meetings, I managed to pump. And man do I have some embarrassing stories to share, like the time I was walked in on by a surprised and rude Spanish woman ("can't you do that in the bathroom?") or when I had to ask a young macho Flemish guy if there was a private room where I could pump my milk... My co-workers all know the ins and outs of my milk production and have been able to see first hand fresh breast milk when they look in the fridge. I'm sure they'll miss the jokes about having my milk in their coffee. So, the end is near.

The doctor gave the green light for cow's milk so we are down to 2 feedings a day as of this morning. The lunchtime feeding will be replaced by cheese (I want my daughter to be a cheese fiend like her mother). The next one to go is bedtime. I know that's often the last to go, but I think it's the hardest too. I know myself. If I don't force myself to give it up now, I will drag it out for a while.

Possibly by the time I leave for my meeting in Ireland, the nursing will be over. Suzanne will never suckle another breast, unless she's a lesbian (which is fine with me).

It felt good to clean the pump and put it away in its box. As I put it away, I thanked it for its company and for providing me with good service. I said to it, "I wish I could say I'd miss you, but I won't. "
What I will miss is my daughter grasping onto my arm, patting my back and looking at me cooing as she drinks my milk. It's been a great experience and I'm glad I've been able to give her the best for this first year of her life. But it's time for all of us to move on. And it's time for me to start wearing real bras and to reclaim my breasts (or will my husband be doing that?).

Weaning Part II

I'm sure you're all curious about how the weaning is going (or at least what the state of my breasts is).

After the initial mourning period, I am doing ok. I felt bad last week because I was sad about giving up my baby and losing the special bond she and I have shared for almost a year. I've also seen that she doesn't need me as much, which makes me sad but also makes me happy because I see she's more independent and is building a stronger relationship with her papa. I know it's been difficult for Jérôme to sit by and be the third wheel in this very intimate relationship. With such a interdependence between me and Suzanne, my poor husband has been pushed aside. I mildly panicked at the thought of having to rebuild a relationship but have realized there is nothing to be scared of.

And what about the "Oh no, I'm gonna get fat" issue? Well, I haven't been as hungry so I've been eating less. Simple as that. Strange but true.

So, Suzanne has had no problems so far letting go of feedings. We are down to 3 feedings - milk at breakfast, lunch and before bed. I also sucessfully weaned myself off the pump - I was producing so much extra milk that I needed to take that into account as part of the weaning process.

On Wednesday I went to the lactarium one last time to drop off my milk. I asked if they kept a record of how much I'd donated, but they don't. I was just curious to know how many liters of milk I've produced over the past year. The body really is so amazing. Today is the last day I will pump at work. I may even go to the pharmacy tomorrow to return the pump. We've got enough milk in the freezer to last a few weeks.

The next feeding to go is lunchtime. This shouldn't be a problem since she gets a bottle from the nanny most days anyway. I'm thinking of trying to make her drink defrosted breast milk from a cup instead of a bottle for lunch while she's at the nanny's. This would also make the transition easier, especially since the goal in the next 2 weeks (ie when I leave for Ireland on the 21st) is to have her continue having some breast milk (from the frozen supply) until the freezer is empty.

To be honest, I'm having more trouble with this than she is. If I didn't offer, I don't think she'd ask. Her feedings are shorter and shorter and she's a voracious eater when she's at the table.

Yup, it is a little like mourning...but the good part is, my I'm back to my pre-pregnancy bras. I never thought that was possible!

Weaning Part I

So I thought it over and we are in the beginning stages of weaning. Actually, when you read about weaning from the breast, they say it begins when you give the baby the first solid meal or cup or bottle.

We have successfully dropped the 4pm feeding. She loved her yogurt and fruit yesterday and my boobs seemed to hold up ok against the missing feeding. So this morning, I started working on weaning myself off the pump.

Since I went back to work in September, I've worked hard to keep an extra supply of "just in case" milk. This means that I feed Suzanne on one side in the night/morning and save the other for an early morning pumping session. This milk either goes to the milk bank or to Suzanne if she decides to eat a lot at the nanny's. Rather than getting out of bed at 6:39 this morning to pump, I didn't pump until 11:00. My boobs were incredibly perky (and slightly uncomfortable) all morning. I also think I have a clogged duct, a normal occurence during weaning.

I thought about it all weekend and have come to terms with the weaning (kind of). Worries of imagined or real weight gain aside, I think it's time. Suzanne doesn't miss the nursing so much. At night, she seems to prefer to have her pacifier to suck on than my boob so that's that.

Jérôme and I discussed a timeline and I have about 3 weeks to wean her. This gives us both enough time to adjust, gives my hormones a hopefully long enough time to change, and give me and Suzanne a chance to get used to the new situation before I go away for 3 days at the end of May.

I admit, it will be easier in some ways if she's not nursing anymore. And I'd quite like to have my boobs to myself again (or will they now be my husband's?)

Ready to wean? Not really...

I get to go to a meeting in Ireland at the end of May. Yeah! Which means I need to make a decison about weaning I've been putting off. Boo. Or does it?

I've said from the start that I'd breastfeed for a year (or until Suze's top teeth come in and she draws blood). And, comme par hasard, this meeting is at the end of May, right before her 1st birthday.

I've had enough of the pumping. I hate it. I hate washing it, I hate dragging it with me to work and back. I hate having to wake up early to pump. But there are so many advantages to breastfeeding. Convenience, child's health, mother's weight loss...(oh my God, I'm gonna get fat!)

But it must come to an end at some point. But I'm not ready. And although I thought Suze was showing signs of weaning, they seem to be very small and very inconsistent signs. She is taking less from the bottle, she takes less from me. True, she loves eating solid food. But she also loves drinking my milk (must be all the spices I eat).

So, I had decided it was time. I even dropped her "I-just-got-you-after-work-must-stimulate-boobs" feeding yesterday and she didn't say a thing. But when I spoke to my mother last night, she said she left me for a couple days while I was nursing and she just expressed a bit of milk while away. In any case, your milk supply comes back quickly. So now I'm confused. Thanks Mom.

I tossed and turned all night, and I think this is why. It could also be that I watched CNN last night and am haunted by the images I saw, but that's another story.

There's so much bad in the world and breastfeeding is a good thing. Being with my baby is a good thing. These moments won't last forever. I don't want to cut them short just because it's not convenient. But on the other hand, it would be nice to have my life back...I could do a lot with the pumping time.

delirious

Sometimes when I pump my milk at work, I go into a daze. And when I come out of it, I have to ask myself:
Did I just walk back into the office with my breasts hanging out or was that a daydream?

Sisters

On Monday and Tuesday, I had to attend a 600 person conference. Of course the first thing I do when I have to spend the day at an event is to figure out how and where I'll pump. It was pretty easy this time since it was only a 5 minute walk back to my office. So on the first day, I skipped out on the morning session to pump and then again at lunch. In the afternoon, as I was going out for air, a woman came running after me saying "I was told you are breast feeding too. Where do you pump?" I was thrilled to have someone to share my secret with! I brought her to my office even though I hadn't been planning on going there. So today, I sought her out in the morning and we made a meeting point for to go pump during the lunch break.

As we were walking back to my office in the rain, talking about logistics of pumping and how long will you do it, etc I realized a couple things.
I realized how lucky I am that my work has allowed me to put my daughter first. And how lucky I am to not have had any sore nipple or cracks or infections. But I also realized that I shouldn't be counting in weeks and months or the one year limit. I should feed S as long as it feels right and as long as we are both healthy. I think one year sounds good, but who knows. I've gotten this far and if I can't make it another 3 months so be it. So here's to all those sisters out there!

Milk twinning

My husband finds the stock of milk in the freezer more of an inconvenience than anything else. I do too, I must admit. The bottles fall out whenever we open the door. They roll into the cat food. It's hard to explain that I actually enjoy pumping milk because it means I have extra to give to the local milk bank.

When S was about 3 months old, I called the milk bank - partly out of desperation - because my freezer was overflowing with frozen milk. They came that same day and took the milk (about 3 liters!) even though it wasn't sterilized and I hadn't even had my blood test. That's how much they needed it.

For a while, I was freezing 8+ ounces of milk a day for the milk bank. And the nurse would come by or I'd drop the milk off every couple of weeks. When I go to drop off the milk, I get a warm feeling inside. There are pictures of babies, nursing mothers and a couple dozen freezers. It reminds me that I'm saving little babies' lives by sharing S's milk. And the nurses are always so thankful for my donation.

Now that S is eating solids, I have less milk to give. When I dropped the milk off yesterday, I told them that it could be the last time. The nurse asked if she should archive my file. And I said NO! Archiving my file would mean no more donations but it also means that I'm coming to the end of nursing S.

If anyone else is interested in donating breast milk, it's easy and painless (except for the blood tests). Here is the list of lactariums in France. It's also possible to donate in the US, but doesn't seem as organized as here.

I will be proud to tell S that she shared her milk with other little babies, that she has "milk twins".

time to make the donuts

after a week off from work because my mother wsas here it's back to the routinne of pumping, rudhing, oumping more and having to leave my little girl at the nanny's. the only solace is that i was there when she started to clap and she now says mamama. my great fear, notr beng with her much during the week, is that she'll hit some developmental milestone at the nanny's. her first wrd, step could be with someone else. but i dont have a choice. i have to work. and i feel like fred the donut man - remember those ads for dunkuin' donuts? (for those of you who don't understand the reference)

(The above is typed with one hand while pumping. Mistakes left for effect)

The wonderful thing about being a working mother in France though is the family-friendly environment. Not only are new mothers allowed to go on a 3 year parental leave during which your job is secured, but if you choose to take a partial parental leave (I've been wokring only 4/5 of the week since January), the CAF (kind of like social services I guess) will pay a flat fee every month for 6 months which helps to cover the lost salary! Plus they help subsidize the child care fees. The amount they contribute depends on the salary level.

All these social benefits - great health care,social support, job protection - are what is costing the French State so much and is also why I would have a hard time going back to the US. It's just one less worry, you know? My 5 day hospital stay after S was born cost us nothing. The breast pump that I've been dragging back and forth from home to work since September is free. I rented it from the pharmacy and the pharmacist submits the monthly bills to social security who directly submits everything to my private health care who covers the rest.

I just wish I could spend more time with S. While my mother was here, we talked about working mothers. And my mother went back to work when I was 5. She told me that she cried when she put me on the school bus that first time. I never realized how hard it was for my mother I was just so proud to have my own house key in 1st grade! I feel bad for resenting my mother all those years because I missed the school bus ONCE and had to get the neighbors to drive me to school. But I know she tried. I just hope that S will remember how much I tried and not how much time we spend together. But I digress...crud, it's 7:03. time to make the donuts.

Not alone

On Friday, I went to the monthly La Leche League meeting. I expected to be surrounded by very new mothers and pregnant women but, in fact, there were at least 3 other babies who are older than S and some of their mothers are even back to work fulltime. I couldn't believe that there are actually other women in France who pump at work! I felt so much better and it totally renewed my motivation and my desire to keep nursing S until she is a year old (at least a year I should say).

In France, it is common for women to nurse for only 3 months which is "déjà pas mal" (already pretty good), if babies are breast fed at all. See, one of the things I've learned about giving birth in France and being a young woman here is that I am seen as a sexual creature. Whipping a breast out in public to feed my baby - no matter how discrete - is pretty shocking. And then let's talk about the reéducation de la périnée (perinium physical therapy). How many countries can you think of provide all new moms with a prescription to do biofeedback on the perinium when leaving the hospital? They say it's to prevent prolapse and incontinence, but I'm sure it's to get you back into proper sexual working order. Needless to say, breastfeeding interferes with that since it turns your lovely breasts into sacks of milk and diverts your hormones towards your baby.

So back to La Leche League, I was so glad to have gone to the meeting and really wish I had been able to go more often in the past few months. I've been on on-line forums and such and talking to friends back home about breastfeeding, but it's not the same as seeing real live nursing moms. Can you imagine sitting around in a group of women with their breasts hanging out and little babies suckling away? It's so liberating!

I can't wait for next months meeting!

morning inspiration

i think i'm gonna get in touch with the la leche league and see abot starting an english group in lille

moo cow mom

Crap. Just got back from my mid-morning pumping session and I am making less and less milk. This is really starting to worry me. Up until a couple weeks ago, I was over producing. I was donating about 4.5 ozs (120 ml) a day to the milk bank. And now, I'm barely making enough to fill the two and a half bottles S needs for the day at the nanny's. What's going on?

Is it lack of sleep? Is it stress from being so worried about not making enough? Is it that she's eating solids? The thing is, that I still need to fill those bottles! I know she drinks a lot more from the bottles than when she's with me - hey, if I had the choice between chugging and sipping, I'd chug too. But damn, it's stressful.

I'm not ready to wean her. And she's not ready to be weaned. Depsite what everyone says, it's not the breast feeding that's making me tired. It's the everything else that's making me tired.

I think I'll call the La Leche League later. I need some support.

More about breast feeding in France later...