Thursday, 8 March 2007

So happy

My daughter is so happy. It amazes me how much she smiles and laughs and how little she cries and complains. I worry that I'll ruin it. That she'll hate me.

I think about my own family and a recent conversation I had with a friend. And I wonder how parents can willingly hurt their children, be abusive, etc. I know that my parents damaged me and my sister. I like to believe that they were damaged by their own parents and that they did their best not to repeat the same mistakes with us. But they did make mistakes and we are both "damaged". Who isn't, right? But there are differing degrees of damage. The important part is realizing there is a problem...

I also think back to some of the therapy sessions I had during my pregnancy and telling my therapist how scared I was of becoming my parents and of not being a good mother. She told me about some famous theory from so and so : there is no such thing as a good mother, only a good enough mother. She told me to be a good enough mother. So that is what I am trying to do.

I know that S will surely hate me for something at some point, but I also hope that she'll remember how much I love her and support her. I hope that she'll forgive me for any damage that I may cause...and that she'll always be able to smile.

1 comment:

Deb said...

It amazes me too, how happy and smiley your little girl is! Like I said, whatever you are's working!

I know the fear that you have about not being a good mom. I have that same fear. I came from a very dysfunctional background. I know my parents loved me and tried to raise me as best they could, but I would never inflict the negative things on my daughter, that were inflicted upon me.

I hope that I can be a "good enough" mother as well.

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